The Legend of Malfoy: Draco's Awakening
by Mercury Silverscale
Summary: My version of "The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening" with Draco Malfoy (from the "Harry Potter" series) as Link. (Rated PG-13 for numerous drug referances.)


NOTE: If you have never played the game "The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening", this will make little sense. If you haven't played the game or read any of the Harry Potter books, it will make no sense. However, if you have done both, I must warn you: Draco is horribly Out-Of-Charecter here, and I have a somewhat twisted snese of humor.   
  
Only when you accept that may you proceed.  
  
The Legend of Malfoy: Draco's Awakening  
  
NARRATOR: One night, Draco Malfoy was in the basement of Malfoy Manor, having a loud, drunken orgy with the all of house elves. He had a few too many margaritas, and passed out. The next morning, Draco woke up in a strange place, in a strange bed, and he didn't know how he got there. I could make a guess, though... *nudge nudge, wink wink*  
  
DRACO: Shut up, you!  
  
NARRATOR: Sorry.  
  
Draco: Uhhhhh- where am I? Dobby? I think I had a little too much to drink...  
  
Voice: Well, you finally came around! I thought you would never wake up!  
  
Draco: *still only half concious* Who the- Dobby? Is that you?  
  
Voice: Dobby? No, my name's Marin.  
  
Draco: *wakes up completly* WHAT THE-! *looks around* Okay, who are you, where am I, who am I, and why in the name of raspberry Vodka am I dressed in a green elf suit!?!?!?  
  
Fat Man Standing in the Corner: I'm Tarin, this is my daughter Marin. You're on Koholint Island. Your name is Link, and I don't know why you're dressed in a green elf suit. Personally, I think it looks pretty stupid on you.  
  
Draco: Okay, well that's- wait a minute. My name isn't Link! It's Daco!  
  
Tarin: That's what it says on the back of you're shield.  
  
Draco: I DON'T OWN A SHIELD!  
  
Marin: But it was with you when you washed up on the beach.  
  
Draco: Washed up on the- What is going on here?   
  
Marin: I found you on the beach. You were shipwrecked.  
  
Draco: *eyes go really wide* SHIPWRECKED!! This isn't funny!! I'm getting out of here!!  
  
Tarin: Are you sure you don't want your shield back?  
  
Draco: NO, I DO NOT- wait a second. Yes, give me that shield.  
  
Marin: Go back down to the beach where I found you. There might be more of your stuff there.  
  
Draco: If the stuff is like this, I'll be rich! Richer than I already am! I'm going to Antiques Roadshow with this, baby!   
  
Marin: (to Tarin) Are you sure he's okay?  
  
NARRATOR: Draco walks to down to Toronbo Shores, not knowing what he's getting into, not knowing whether this is merely a drunken dream, not knowing if he'll escape with his life-  
  
DRACO: Will you please shut up?!  
  
NARRATOR: Sorry.  
  
Draco: I'm going to be rich!!! Richer than I already am!!! Bwahaha- WHAT THE HELL?!   
  
*a huge, spinning, spiked thing comes out of the ground and proceeds to attack him*   
  
Draco: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *hides behind the shield* AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *spiked thing leaves* Whew. That was close. Man, this is one screwed up island. *keeps walking east* Hey, what's this? A sword! *picks it up and swings it around* Whee!  
  
Voice From Above: So, you are the lad who owns the sword!  
  
Draco: Who the-? *looks up and sees an owl perched on a palm tree* Hey, who the heck are you?  
  
Owl: I'm the Annoying Owl, who has put you here for the sadistic entertainment of others. Aren't you just thrilled?  
  
Draco: No! *attempts to kill Owl with his new sword*  
  
Owl: Too bad, you're stuck here. Anyway, back to my speech. *clears throat* Ho, brave lad, on your quest to wake the dreamer-  
  
Draco: Will you please speak English?  
  
Owl: But I am.  
  
Draco: MODERN English.  
  
Owl: Alright, alright. Put the sword down. You're supposed to go on a quest to wake the Wind Fish. You need to go to the Mysterious Woods in the north, to get the Key to the Tail Cave.  
  
Draco: Excuse me, the what?   
  
Raven: *ignores him* Then you go through the Tail Cave and get the Full Moon Cello. Then you have to go to Gopanga Swamp and rescue Bow Wow, then you go to the Bottle Grotto, then...  
  
ONE HOUR LATER  
  
Owl: ... and then you take all the instruments to the giant Egg on top of the mountain and wake the Wind Fish.  
  
Draco: *snore*  
  
Owl: Hey! Wake up!  
  
Draco: Huh? Oh yeah, the Woods. Right. I'll do that. Go away.   
  
Owl: Fine, then! If you screw this up and end up on some cheesy daytime talk show, whining about how you "almost had all", don't blame me. *flies away*  
  
NARRATOR: Draco walks north to the Mysterious Woods, bravely facing his fears, not knowing that what lies before him is a confusing maze created by a pink raccoon, not knowing that he needs some Magic Powder-  
  
DRACO: Will you shut up, already?  
  
NARRATOR: I was try to give you a hint-  
  
DRACO: Zip it, mister!!!!  
  
NARRATOR: But I was-  
  
DRACO: ZIP IT!!!!!!!!  
  
NARRATOR: *meekly* Yes, sir.  
  
  
  
  
  
Draco: Man, that idiot Raven. So what if I end up on a daytime talk show? Jerry Springer is cool. *keeps walking.* This is kind of a nice place. Maybe I could- HOLY CRAP!  
  
*A moblin walks up to him* AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! *covers eyes and randomly swings sword around* WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING!? *Moblin dies and leaves a rupee* What the... Hey, I killed it! Cool! *takes rupee and keeps walking* Whoa. Why is that raccoon pink?  
  
Pink Raccoon: As a raccoon, my nose is very sensitive to stuff like dust and powder!  
  
Draco: Right. Have you by chance eaten any odd-looking mushrooms lately? Come to think of it, have I?   
  
Raccoon: I just gave you a huge hint, you know that?  
  
Draco: No. *keeps walking*   
  
Raccoon: Heh, heh, heh! You're going to be lost, thanks to me! *laughs insanely*  
  
Draco: Sure. Whatever.   
  
Raccoon: Jeez, I just practically gave you the answer! You have to get me some Magic Powder!   
  
Draco: Magic Powder? Is this some sort of crazy new drug? I have to find some! *walks away*   
  
Raccoon: NO! I NEED MY MAGIC POWDER! GET BACK HERE!   
  
Draco: *runs back to Mabe village as fast as his little legs will carry him* Whoa. This is one psychotic island. Talking raccoons and recreational drugs that I didn't even know existed... *sees the Trendy Game shop* What's in there?  
  
Trendy Game Man: Hello, and welcome to the trendy game! It's only ten rupees to play! And you can win stuff too!  
  
Draco: Like what?  
  
Game Man: Hearts, money, Magic Powder-  
  
Draco: Magic Powder?! You mean that's legal here?  
  
Game Man: Of course it's legal.  
  
Draco: Wow! Here's the money! I'm going to win some Magic Powder!  
  
Game Man: *to himself* Man. That's the third time this week...  
  
***EPILOUGE***  
  
NARRATOR: Poor Draco spent all his money playing the Trendy Game, and in the end, he won a tiny pouch of Magic Powder: enough to make him hopelessly addicted. Unfortunately, he was now broke. He got a job making Magic Powder with the Witch who lives near Gopanga Swamp. Unfortunately, she fired him, because large amounts of the powder would mysteriously disappear whenever she left him alone. Draco currently resides at the Koholint Magic Powder Rehabilitation Center, and has made numerous appearances on the Jerry Springer Show.  
  
DRACO: Hey! You make it sound so negative!  
  
NARRATOR: I'm just telling the truth!  
  
DRACO: Well, don't!   
  
NARRATOR: I go to all the trouble of narrating this stupid fanfiction and you treat me like this? Fine! Have it your way! I quit!  
  
FINIS  
  
Disclaimer: "The Legend of Zelda" and all related charecters belong to the Nintendo company. Draco Malfoy belongs to J.K. Rowling. This horribly ridiculous was the product of my poor, sick, twelve-year-old mind. 


End file.
